Manuals for the Avengers By the Avengers What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
by SirVacuumThe3rd
Summary: They know each other better than anyone else, so it would make complete sense for them to write each others manuals, right?


Tony Stark. 1:23am, August 28th.

Okay, since Fury has told us all to write a manual on the 'very secretive' choice that's randomly assigned, which means he just wants us to lay down random shit about a person, lets see who I get. And I've ended up with... Loki!

Ugh. A manual on Mr. Crazypants. It's too early for this shit.

Where to begin?

...Reindeer games annoys me, but since this is a 'manual', I'll tell you what _not_ to do courtesy of a sleep deprived Tony.

First, don't call him reindeer games. He hates that, you should _see_ his face when I call him that. You know what? I should frame that one day and give to him, just to see that look on his face again. Ha! I would die.

Hahaha... Fuck. I probably would. He'd probably kill me... Oh well, it'd be worth it. Totally worth it.

Oooooohh. Big yawn.

Um...Two. Don't try to take anything of his, he gets _really_ protective about his shit. Seriously. Even more than me. I once tried to take his horny-helmet thing and I ended up hanging outside of my window again with him threatening to drop me. Me being me, I cracked a _very_ funny joke and ended up falling. Yep, out the window. _Again. _

Three. Don't try to make sense of him if he starts to ramble in Norse when he's asleep. It's all random shit and if you question him he _will_ actually shut up. Which is scary as fuck. Trust me. When Loki's quiet, it means he's planing your murder.

Um...Four. That one face of his, the one where he purses his lips in that way that makes me wan-

Oh god. Fury is going to hear this. Fuck. It's too early for this shit. Why don't they make these fucking manuals themselves?!

Ugh.

Well, now that that's out of the way, lets continue on with my nonsense.

When he gets that one face where he purses his lips and sorta smiles, but not really, that's when he's happy. I know, it makes no sense. But that's his 'I'm happy' face.

Hm...

Just the basics and that's it. Don't kill him, or try to at least. Don't hurt him, poke fun, try to trick him-very funny story about that one-or anything else really.

So. There you go Fury, a manual on our own batshit crazy god.

* * *

I'm supposed to be recording a manual on...Tony. Here it goes.

Steve Rogers. August 28th. 10:02pm.

So, with Tony. You need to take care of him. Serious care, not like remind him, but sometimes you need to drag him or force him to do normal, mundane tasks.

Things to remind him/force him are to eat, sleep, keep up his personal hygiene, to be nice, etc. You will need to drag him from that workshop. Oh!

The workshop. He will lock you out, block you out, tune you out, and flat out ignore you. You need to pick yourself up and charge forward. Break his walls, they're glass, if you have to. But you really shouldn't. He doesn't appreciate that at all, and even I don't break them. Don't touch anything in there, either. You will get yelled at or it will end up hurting you in some way. Try to be nice to him in there, he's probably been in their for longer than you think is humanly possible.

If he's drunk or passed out, don't wake him up. Let him sleep, heaven knows he needs it. Just pick him up and put carry him to his bed. He'll understand what happened. If he wakes up...

...just tell him to go back to sleep calmly, don't tell him anything important, he's likely to forget it in the morning.

Okay. Don't try to be smarter than him, it won't work. At all. He will _always_ know more than you. Just catch him on a good day though...he will be the best thing in the world.

Oh, and don't ever try to talk to him about his past. Never ever. Ever. Got it? Never.

That's about it, can't say too much else. Don't be, pardon me here, an asshole to him and don't pity him.

Over and out.

* * *

Manual by Bruce. I'm in the lab and it is... 3:38pm on August 28th, and I'm recording a manual about Clint.

Clint, aka Hawkeye, is about 5'10" and 178 pounds, as of now. He has excellent BMI and is highly fit. He has a small scar on his left hand.

Now that we're off of the dry facts, here's what he's like. From there you can probably assume what and what not to do.

He always has his bow close by. Some days it'll be in his hand or on the table, and some days you won't see it. But it's there, so don't take it.

He likes to crack jokes and poke fun, no matter what. He's like a third grader, and the only one able to keep him in line is Natasha. Let him be, it never hurts anybody and he's occasionally really funny.

Natasha is also the only one who's able to comfort him and if something happens to him, you get her first, no matter what.

Clint will make you angry and will make you blush in shame or embarrassment; he's able to turn Steve red with a snap of his fingers. But, if you laugh at him, he will turn it on you until you're red in the face.

Once again, don't take his bow. Obviously, it won't have a good outcome. Don't try to tell him not to drink milk out of the carton, you will end up in a very bad situation.

He likes to be in air vents, but don't try to find him. He goes up there to either be alone and think or to prank someone. If you hear a rattle from above you, run. It's never good, only because he can be quiet when he wants to, which means he _wants_ you to know he's there.

Clint is Clint. I was blunt and to the point. I hope this helps you, Fury.

* * *

I'm Loki, you stupid mortal. And this is one of the most _idiotic_ things I've ever been forced to do. Not including taking over your planet. Sigh.

I have to make my manual about... seriously?!

You annoying _ants!_ I have to make this on _Thor?!_

You are quite mistaken if you think I will record this on my stupid, buffoon of a brother. It won't happen. He's obsessed about you mortals. But I am _not! _

Goodbye.

...Loki here, again. Since this is _mandatory_ and SHIELD has taken away all of my books, it looks like I'm going to tell you all about my brother.

Lets see, he's not my real brother. He's my half brother since I was adopted. He is _very_ loyal. Extremely so. He will stick with you through and through. Even, if you betray him.

He has absolutely no volume control. Do not tell him to be quiet, because he is never quiet and never will be. In his sleep, he snores like a humongous beast that has just eaten an entire planet. Stand about twenty eight miles away and you will _still_ hear him snoring. No, stand in _Asgard_ and you will hear him from _Midgard. _

Thor is a very caring person, like a five year old who loves helping dying birds. Bleh. Though it pains me to admit, he does care about things very easily. And if you try to hurt something he cares about, he will come after you.

Trust me, he _really_ cares about your planet.

On to Mjölnir, don't try to take it. He can use it very well and it won't work for you. You have no power over it. If he's summoning it, get out of the way, it will break some of your bones if you get hit.

Don't you ever _dare_ hurt him. I _will_ come for you.

* * *

Hi, this is me. Clint. Yeah, I've got Tash for my manual.

Um, I don't actually know what to tell you that you probably haven't figured out yourself by now. Or what she will kill me for if I say it, but here we go!

Tash is dangerous. Don't get on her bad side, anger her, anything. She's fucking scary when she's pissed.

She likes having her own time, but sometimes she likes to have company. Don't ever point it out, you'll end up with a knife _very_ close to what you _don't_ want cut off. Just act like everything's normal.

She won't open up to anyone, so don't try. She shows that she cares about people in different ways than you'd expect. She will be nice, in that Tash way of hers. Just roll with it.

She loves gummy bears-but don't tell her I said that. She'll kill me, very very slowly.

Oh god, I think she's coming. _Shit! I blame you, Fury!_

* * *

Hello! I am Thor! Prince of Asgard and Son of Odin!

These Midgards have told me to talk into this odd shaped black thing they tell me will give you my words. Director Fury, I am talking about Bruce.

Bruce is very caring, in a quiet way. He helps us, especially when one is injured. If you are injured, you see Bruce.

Bruce is also very smart, almost as smart as the Man of Iron. They are best pals, so says Eye of the Hawk. Bruce is good, remember that. Bruce is good.

In battle, Bruce turns into 'Hulk.' He calls him 'the other guy', I call him Big Green One. Big Green One is not as smart as Bruce. But he is brave. Brave like a warrior from Asgard. He does not make much sense when he speaks, but he speaks very little. Big Green One is very sweet, when he is not smashing.

Big Green One has soft spot for Man of Iron. Do not hurt Man of Iron while Bruce is Big Green One, you will get 'powned', as Man of Iron says.

Bruce is very sweet and nice, so is Big Green One. Do not anger Bruce, that is when you meet Big Green One.

I am done.

May I have my pop tarts now, Steve?

* * *

Natasha, speaking a manual on Steve Rogers. Time is 5:16pm, August 28th.

So, you have to remember Steve is from the 1940's. He will never change, he will always be polite and civil and blush more than you ever thought was possible.

Don't make innuendos, sex jokes, don't talk about sex in general, don't say someone is hot or anything like that. Don't try to flirt with him, unless you're Tony. Then go ahead, because somehow he's able to deal with that from Tony. And _only_ from Tony.

Don't try to comfort him on his bad days, let him ride it out, tomorrow he will be back to normal. Don't take his sketch book, he loves that thing.

Obviously, don't try to make him go swimming or ice skating or anything like that. If you do, you're fucking crazy and he will be very antsy.

He is fucked up just like the rest of us, and he has shit to deal with, too.

Steve is overly polite. Overly. He will hold open doors, help old ladies cross the street, rescue cats from trees, the whole shebang. He is the best person in this whole fucking world, and you better believe it.

He will help you if you ever need anything. He is the best leader you'd ever want, and he listens to you. But don't try to take advantage of him.

Remember, Steve is better than everyone in this world combined. And if you hurt him, you will be dead before the police even know you're _missing_ if you mess with him.

* * *

Director Fury, signing in at 11:59pm, August 28th.

Manual for the Avengers.

_Don't fuck with them. _


End file.
